Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Struggling

I have been really having a hard time this holiday season.  I am not sure why.  As long time readers know, it has been a big year of loss for me and my family.  My uncle, whom I have mentioned previously, passed away last week.  He was only 62.  Losing so many folks this year has made me think a lot on how my life is playing out.  With that, I have been struggling with being content and letting dreams go.  At 40, I am at the prime of my life.  If I want to make a change, it needs to happen now.  But, it feels selfish to want more.  I have a wonderful family, a roof over my head, plenty to eat, my health, and the freedom to start my own business.  I great part of me thinks I should be happy with this - it is SO MUCH more then others.  I need to practice gratitude and be thankful.

Yet - this isn't really my dream.  I don't like where I live, I want to be closer to my family, I want to have a small farm, I want to travel, I want.... I want.... I want....  If someone was whining like this to me, I would say "suck it up and be grateful!".  I wouldn't have a lot of sympathy.  So when is it ok to have dreams?  Are dreams selfish?  This Thanksgiving was particularly rough for me.  I won't go into details, but compromises were made and it reinforced that my life is not really my life, but one that is intertwined with all those around me.  Is it ever ok to say, stop - I want my life to circle around me?  While I wish it was ok, I have made choices and connections that will never allow that.  With that, then, do you let your dreams go and adjust to the real reality? Modify your dreams?  Give up hope that certain things will never happen? I am torn between accepting and letting go.

1 comment:

Sara said...

No answers, but hugs.